When Someone Walks Away

Wondering Why I'm spewing my fears
Living in fear when I have all I need
The deeper I dig the more that I see
The child inside me is crying with needs
Left without answers, resources, and love
With a piece of a family
Bound together by pain

When someone walks away
nothing is ever the same
and patterns break down
all show the same end

A future of fear or abandonment
even when everyone's in 100%
The deeper the love, the harder to breathe
The stronger the bond the more tendency
To make waves so high nearly everyone drowns
All learning to swim, feet still on the ground
Get thrown to the stirring emotional tide
of my fears be awoken - being left to die

It nearly drowns us all
We recover, just barely
We get to the shore all gasping to breathe
Everyone shaken, everyone scared
The waves unpredictable
The source inside me

I'm a force to be reckoned with
Nature embodied
But think of the people that survive hurricanes
and tsunamis - they live afraid
and must rebuild scared
and my family- victims of storm system Lara
must decide how to make the foundation anew

Strange engineering- to account for
high tides -unpredictable winds-
How to stay safe inside?
Nobody knows

So this is what I've learned
the unexpected happens -expect me to freak
except when I don't and handle it all
seamlessly,
so we start to imagine
I've healed and I've grown
and we relax just a bit

The smallest unexpected detail brings
a storm front in

Why can't we predict the weather?
Why can't we plan?
On healing and moving forward
on peace for the family?

Trauma hides in the depths of the earth
and pressure unearths it in volcanic bursts
and lava is too hot to touch or to be near
So when I am looking for closeness
everyone runs in fear
of being burned alive

its hard and its true
to be as forceful as nature
when I need nurturing too
so desperate to overcome
and change the story

I write down the poem and try to imagine
a different outcome - but I can't
so I cry wondering why
When I'm reminded of Charlie
My beautiful daughter
who is bonded securely
and held and provided for

and given everything she needs
and understood so deeply
I listen to her stories,
intuit her fears

Protect her from danger
Love her to tears
I stay close when it's hard
I give her all of me

I allow the loving intimacy of
holding her through tantrums
answering her questions
teaching her to protect herself

Respecting her boundaries,
Commending her efforts,
and seeing her growth,
and reflecting back her greatness

I will always stay beside her
I will never let her down
She will never know what it is to be left by a mother
She won't

And
All
The
Pain
of our ancestors
Die before her
She won't have to
carry it
into her womb
and cause tumult a chaos
to her branch of our tree