Google Doc Sci Fi part 1

 By Lara Hocheiser

The earth exploded.

All but one section.

The worst section.

The one where I live.

Who blew it up? You may be wondering

Well,

Let’s start back at another story altogether.

The story of my birth.

See I was conceived in a test tube somewhere in the poltergeist sector of the galaxy GhemlockhemerroidH. I was 98% human genetics, 2% cloned sheep.

I am not 98% human so much as 2% bleating asshat.

The hat, Sherlock Holmes style. The bleating, loud and terrible.

I bleat when I’m nervous. What makes me nervous? Planets blowing up. Alien hairdressers. Pop tarts popping. You name it.

I was born to a quartet of astronaut barbers who thought it could be funny to bring offspring into “this world,” when the world was defined by a 19’ by 19’ living space inside rocket 832B on its way to space Tahiti, vacation destination and gambling galaxy headquarters.

See they bet their bottom dollar there’d be dandruff up there. They lost the bet when upon arrival they learned all beings in space Tahiti were headless, hairless vibrators.

Well shit.

So I was kind of a joke. An impractical one. I had 4 genetic parents, 5 if you include the cloned sheep DNA.

Well fuck. The earth was imploding. Er. Exploding. The Tahitians were pissed about having to be experimentally haircut by the barbers and they didn’t like the outcome. Being shaved while hairless should be punishable. The pl

anet of laws and order didn’t have a law pertaining to this particular kerfluffle so there was nothing to do, legally speaking.

Fast forward 18 years, 3 months, and 14 minutes to my planet blowing the fuck up…

It turns out surfing from space Tahiti to Earth 3.0 takes about 17 years 6 months and 13 minutes. Therefore they prepared for 6 months for this radical mission unto the waves of my planet and beyond.

I was pissed to see everything I’ve ever touched crumbling into oblivion

Bleating like an asshole when I wanted to call out with emotion,

“Here I am. Just take me!”

They surfed off without looking back to see about the devastation.

They were all the remaining Space Tahitians… 17 of them. Meaning Space Tahiti was unmanned.

I started to have an idea when,

“Bahhhh!”

I yelled uncontrollably

The bleating feels violent inside 

Just make it stop, I beg myself inwardly.

What’s my idea you ask? Beat them back to space Tahiti with a platter of pepperoni and cheese to make amends.